Yom Kippur 5779: "In Praise of the Old - Why Middle Age Doesn't scare me!"

Some friends and I were having a “debate”. The debate - when exactly does middle age begin. One person said 40, another said 45 and a third person said 50 (a very optimistic person to call 50 middle age!). So since I am a rabbi and very interested in Halachic precision, I had to look it up to see if there is a precise age for when middle age begins. It turns out it is a Machloket (talmudic debate) of the great dictionaries. According to the Oxford English Dictionary and the Merriam-Webster, middle age begins at  45.  But according to great rabbi and Posek of psychology Erik Erikson and the Collins English Dictionary middle age beings at 40.  

This debate is very important to me because (at least according to one of the above definitions of Middle Age), I will, G-d Willing, become middle aged in 5779! Or maybe we should say “early middle age”. Or at least let’s say that I am beginning a second stage of my adult life. I am no longer “new” to being an adult.

This “early middle aged”/second stage seems to be a present theme in my life this year! I mentioned on Rosh Hashana that this is my bar mitzvah High Holidays at Beth Sholom. For those of you that are counting, that means that I am beginning my thirteenth year! While I hope to be here for many more years, I can no longer say that being at Beth Sholom is new for me. (I am certainly no longer in the honeymoon period!). I guess I am entering into an “early middle age” stage of my career, or at least a second stage of my career.  

In 5779, Sarah and I will have our Chai (18th) anniversary. Again, please G-d, we will have many, many more years of happiness together but I think that as we get close to our Chai anniversary, we cannot really be called newlyweds. I guess our marriage is early middle age or at least a second stage (maybe 2.5!!)

Finally, ss a dad, my oldest is 12 and just had her bat mitzvah. I am sure that there are still many new “dad” experiences that I will have (especially as my kids become teens) but I am no longer a new dad. I am in a second stage of parenthood.

So I look at my life and wonder what it means to be in a second stage of life where there aren't any new big things going on. While I feel very settled and anchored, part of me asks, where is the new? The fresh? The different?

I think that this question is very important for us no matter what stage of life we are in, even those of us who are currently experiencing something new (marriage, child, job). Because most of life, most of the time, for most people; is actually old and the same. We are in second (or third or fourth stages). And it is really those things (the old, same old, same old) and how we do with them, that determine our success in life.

So how do we deal with this human dilemma? On the one hand, we crave the new, the exciting, the different. On the other hand, most of life is the old and the familiar. How do we live with passion and excitement when most of our life most of the time is old and familiar.

Well there is something amazing that happened today 3300 years ago on Yom Kippur that speaks to this issue. Every holiday has a story. Pesach has the exodus, sukkot has the dwelling in the booths in the desert, shavuot has giving of the torah. Even on Rosh Hashana, the rabbis tells us that Sarah, Rachel, Chana conceived. But what happened on Yom Kippur? What is the story?

The rabbis teach us that Yom Kippur is actually when we received the Torah. But we dont stay up all night studying Torah like shavuot. This isn't the wedding/honeymoon at Har Sinai. No cheesecake or blintzes for us today! Rather this is the second giving of the torah after something terrible happened.

Let me remind you of the chronology.

On the 6th of Sivan, the Jews received Torah/Tablets #1. Thunder, lightning, revelation, direct encounter with G-d. Moshe then goes up for 40 days on the mountain to learn the torah. He comes down late. The jews jump ship. The look for the new shiny Golden Calf. Moshe comes down and smashes the tablets on 17th of Tamuz. G-d then says that he will destroy the people and start again. Start a new relationship and create a new people out of Moshe’s descendents. The theory was “The old wasn’t working anymore. Let's start something new.”

Moshe then pleads with G-d for a second set of 40 days. Finally, G-d forgives on the 29th of Av with the famous 13 attributes of mercy that we say over and over again. the next day, on the 1st of elul, moshe goes up for another 40 days to receive the torah/tablets again. And he comes down today on Yom Kippur.

This about it. The Jews received the covenant the first time on shavuot. It was new and shiny with much excitement. But it was almost lost. And both sides almost gave up. Yom Kippur is the miracle of trying a second time.

Yom Kippur isn't the wedding; it’s the renewal of vows.

It isn't the honeymoon in some exotic place; it's the boring early wednesday morning in your same old house 15 years into the marriage when you and your spouse have an important conversation and appreciate each other just a bit more.

Yom Kippur is not about something new but about appreciating the old. What you already have.

This concept of “appreciating the old” jumped out at me this morning when I walked into shul. This morning, I made a bracha (blessing) that I have never made in my entire life! This is a big deal for someone who grew up religious and is (or almost is!) middle aged!

Rabbanit Fruchter and I were trying to think of what to put on the cold brew coffee table which is usually a nice place for people to say Good shabbos/Yom Tov on a regular shabbat/yom tov. We obviously could not serve cold brew coffee on Yom Kippur. So we came up with the idea of a “Besamim Bar.” You are allowed to smell nice things on Yom Kippur. In fact there is a custom to pass around besamim and etrogim on Yom Kippur so people could make brachot and get up to the requisite 100 Blessings for the day (which are hard to reach because we have blessing on food).

So I walked in this morning and there was an orange at the Besamim bar. The Halacha is that when one picks up an orange to smell (usually I pick it up to eat), you say Blessed are you Hashem, who puts a nice smell in the fruit. הנותן ריח טוב בפירות.

I had never made the bracha before this morning. I picked up the Orange which I usually only appreciate for its taste (when it is actually good and I am not just wolfing it down as I run out of the house!) and, through the help of the bracha, I was able to appreciate this (same old same old) orange in a completely new way through smell. I really appreciated the Bracha. It is one thing for G-d to make an orange. But it didn't have to have a nice smell! It was about appreciating something that I have in my house all the time in a completely new way! This by the way is one of the great things about making blessings!

I am reminded of the value of appreciating the old every time I open the Machzor. True, it is nice to hear a new melody every once in a while. But we really look forward to the what we can call the “Oldies but Goodies”! There is nothing like the whole shul singing together that (same old, same old) Avinu Malkeinu that you sang as a child. Its true that the words and tune are the same. But we infuse it with new meaning every year as we bring our new selves with our new worries and hopes and gratitudes into that Avinu Malkeinu. It is not always about finding the new but finding renewed meaning and meaning in the old.

Now to conclude with a story. You know I love to end with a story! But this year, I was really struggling to find a story. Yom Kippur was getting closer and closer and I still did not have a story. A few hours before Yom Kippur, I remembered that Rabbi Telushkin (one of the greatest speakers and storytellers is coming to Beth Sholom for a shabbaton on December 1 for Lieberman/Silverman Shabbaton (you don’t want to miss it!).

So I decided, to throw a “hail Miriam” (I called it in shul a Hail Mary but people gasped thinking I was talking about the religious persona when really I was thinking football metaphor!). I emailed Rabbi Telushkin and told him my sermon topic (second stage, middle age, in praise of the old) and asked him if he had a story for me. About 1 hour before Yom Kippur, I was in my office and the phone rang. I was about to ignore it but then I saw the caller ID said “Joseph Telushkin”! I quickly picked up the phone, “Hi is this Rabbi Telushkin?” “Yes,” He answered. “I would like to tell you Yom Kippur dvar torah from my father.” I am thinking, “ok.” I asked for a story and he is giving me a dvar torah. So he tells me a beautiful dvar torah (that I hope to share another time) but it was not a story and it had nothing to do with my topic.

But then it hit me. “The Oldies but Goodies”. On erev yom kippur, Rabbi Telushkin likes to tell over (every year) the dvar torah from his father to get a deeper appreciation of his father. This resonated with me as I had just read the intro to his book on the Lubavitcher Rebbe. He describes (this is my own words…) how it first the project was really an old topic. His father had been the Lubavitcher Rebbe’s personal accountant and his grandfather had a deep relationship with the Rebbe. So it was not the same kind of exciting research project as some of his other books. But then, as he got into the project, everytime he would go to Crown Heights, it was as if he was visiting his father and grandfather. He was gaining deeper appreciation and understanding of these “old” relationships through this new research.

We are about to recite Yizkor. During Yizkor, we reflect on those parts of our lives that our the oldest; Family, parents, values and community. We look for new insights and appreciation of those aspects of our lives that have always been there with us.

My Bracha to all of us is that we remember that the most important things in life are those things that we already have. The new is wonderful but our success as people and Jews will come from how we do the “old.” I hope we can reflect on that throughout our prayers and be sealed in the Book of Life.

Rosh Hashana Drasha 5779 - "Jewish Me Time"

Jewish “Me Time”

A number of years ago, I was talking to a woman (I am never good with ages, but I think she was in her mid to late 50’s!!!), who was really struggling with her judaism. She was having a hard time connecting specifically to prayer and more generally with finding the relevance of Judaism in her life.

So I asked her if there were ever moments or times in her life when she felt connected to Judaism. She started telling me about strong Jewish memories with her parents growing up and then she continued to talk about important Jewish experiences that she created for her children when they were growing up. And then all of the sudden the “light bulb” went off in her head. I did not even have to say anything! She said, “I now understand why I am struggling with my Judaism.” She went on to say that two major things happened to her in the last 10 years. First, both of her parents passed away. Second, her children grew up and moved out of the house. And now she realized that almost all of her Judaism was about her parents and her children and when she was without them, there was not much Judaism inside herself. When her children were growing up, she never took “Jewish Me Time” and now she realized that she did not have a strong personal connection to Judaism.

I often find when I ask congregants about what they appreciate about their judaism, they talk about family and community. I often hear about the family sitting at the Pesach Seder. I hear about the power of community especially during shiva. I hear about how wonderful it was to have family and community to celebrate a Jewish lifecycle. I don’t usually hear about what Judasim does for you. As an individual.

As you are sitting here, imagine charting out your connection to Judaism on a bar graph. One bar represents your personal connection to judaism as it fulfills your own spiritual needs and the other bar, as it represents your connection filtered through family and community. I would guess that for many people, the family/community bar would be very high and the bar about the individual would be much lower.

So today on Rosh Hahsana, I would like to challenge us. Family and Community are really important. But in order for our judaism to be strong and sustainable, it needs to be personal. We need to have our own Judaism.

This theme is extremely important on Rosh Hashana. In the famous Unetaneh Tofef prayer, we say that “All inhabitants of the world, pass before G-d like ‘bnei maron.’ What does bnei maron mean? According to Unetaneh Tokef (based on first interpretation of the Talmud), it means that we pass before G-d like sheep. This is certainly one important religious metaphor. Sometimes, we recognize that we are completely not in control. We feel our vulnerabilities and we turn to G-d, the Shepard, to help us through. But there is another interpretation that I would actually like to focus on. The Talmud tells us that Maron also refers to a city on top of a mountain. There was no nicely paved road to get there. So Rashi explains, the path was very narrow and it was impossible for two people to walk side by side. So on Rosh hashana, we are hiking up this very narrow path. Alone.

It reminds me of a hike I took this summer with the family. We got to a certain point and it was very narrow and only one person can go through at a time. Amollia, my 9 year old, runs ahead and she is literally alone for about 30 feet and its narrow and difficult and challenging. I run around to meet her on the other end and my wife was cheering her from the other side. But she had to walk those thirty feet completely alone.

Family and community are so important. They cheer us on. Hopefully they greet us at the other end. But we must climb those thirty feet by ourselves. Almost every “make it or break it” Jewish and Human moment happen when we are alone. But we need to give ourselves the “jewish me time” (or maybe the “Jewish Me Workout Time”) to have the strength to make it up those thirty steps.

There is also an important Biblical persona that relates to this message. The Talmud tells us that on Rosh Hashana, Yosef went out of the Egyptian Jail. What do we know about Yosef? What makes him different from the forefathers and foremothers that precede him? The answer is Yosef is very much alone, in two ways. First, Hashem does not talk to him. Abraham, Isaac, Jacob all have conversations with G-d. Joseph is very G-d focused. He always attributes his success to G-d but you will never find a verse that says, “And G-d spoke to Joseph, saying.” His second sense of aloneness is that every “make it or break it” moment in his life (whether its his encounter with the wife of Potiphar or his dealings with the butler and baker in the Egyptian Dungeon etc) all happen when he is away from his Jewish family and community. He needs to muster the inner strength. Sure, he has the inspiration from his father but he needs to climb those thirty steps alone.

So what is the path forward? What steps can we take so that we have the Jewish Muscle and Strength to climb those thirty steps in situations when family and community will not help? I think we all need to commit to one more hour a week of “Jewish Me Time”. This Jewish Me Time is not the time that we spend creating Jewish experiences for our children or community. The Me Time is dedicated time for your individual Jewish and spiritual growth. It could be through davening, Torah study, or acts of chesed. It could take place at shul, in your home, or out in nature. Whatever and wherever it is is less important. Just make it happen. One extra hour a week (or even a half hour - I know I am negotiating against myself!).

While Jewish Me Time is important for everyone, I think that it is particularly important for people with young children. Even if you are actively engaged in your Jewish life, much of it probably revolves around your children. This is so important. But if you don’t find the “jewish me time”, in 20 years, you will realize that you might not have a Judaism of your own.

I will conclude with a story. I am not sure how relevant it is, but I really like the story so I will try to make it fit!

About 15 years ago, I went to a small shul for Rosh Hashana to be the rabbi. The shul did not have its own rabbi. The davening was very nice, however the Shofar blower was not the strongest. Let us just say, that we made it through the 100 blasts but nothing like our amazing shofar blowers here at Beth Sholom!

On Rosh Hashana afternoon, I decided to go back to the shul to prepare my lectures and sermons. As I am about to walk in to the shul, I hear this amazing Tekiah (shofar blast). I continue to listen to shevarim and teruah and the whole order of blasts concluding with a Tekiah Gedolah like a I never heard before! Loud, resonate, confident and beautiful!

I knew one thing for sure. This was not the same person who blew that morning.

So I walk in the shul and sure enough, I see another guy putting away the shofar. I tell him how wonderful the blasts were and I ask him why was he not the shofer blower for the shul. I see a tear in his eye and he begins speaking in a way that I immediately understand that he is deaf (or at least severely hearing impaired). He points to his hearing aids. He tells me that he used to be the shofer blower. But then someone in the shul heard that someone who is deaf may not blow the shofar. The shul did not have its own rabbi to decide so they asked a very well known rabbi/posek. The rabbi rules that this fellow should no longer blow the shofar for the shul.

I never saw someone who had once done a mitzvah now in so much pain for not being able to do the mitzvah.

(Parenthetically, the question is not so open and closed. There is room in halacha to allow the person who is hearing impaired to blow the shofar if he can hear at all which I believe was the case with this individual. I think that if the community had had their own rabbi, the answer might have been different).

I think about that hearing impaired man every year on Rosh Hashana. In a certain way, the story (especially the pain I saw on his face) motivates a lot of what I do as a rabbi. But there is one aspect of the story that I never understood until now when I prepared this Sermon. Why was this hearing impaired shofar blower in the shul in the middle of the afternoon blowing by himself? Now I know. He was told that he could not blow the shofar for his family and community. But he was there blowing for himself. I imagine that as he blew the shofar, he was feeling the pain and struggle of being a Jew with a disability. But I am sure he was also feeling his connection to G-d and Torah through the shofar and other mitzvot. I am sure his family and community were as supportive and loving as possible, but he was there by himself in the middle of the afternoon climbing those thirty steps that he needed to climb alone.

So as we hear the shofar this Rosh Hashana, I pray that we are all blessed with the amazing gifts of jewish family and community. They are so important. But I also pray that we make the commitment to strengthen our Jewish selves. That we have the strength to climb those thirty steps which will make all the difference.

Shana Tova!

The Yeshiva University Basketball Team and Pesach preparation!

A few weeks ago, there was major news in the Jewish Sports World! The Yeshiva University men’s basketball team, for the first time in its history, made it to the NCAA tournament! Of course, when the tournament schedule was announced, their first game was scheduled for Friday Night (on shabbat). If you want to know how this got resolved and some other fascinating issues that came up, stay tuned till the end of the sermon!

This shabbos is Parshat Hachodesh. Why do we read this section on this shabbat, two weeks prior to Pesach? Well Rashi (Megilah 29a) tells is that we read Parshat Hachodesh on this week because it includes the description of the Korban Pesach (Pesach Sacrifice). The problem is that if this would be the only reason, why is it called Parshat Hachodesh and not Parshat HaPesach? It must be that there is some connection between the first verse “החדש הזה לכם - this month is for you the first month” that relates to Pesach and is the reason we read it now.

If I would ask an random jew (or maybe even non-jew) what is the “jewish new year”? What would the answer be? Most people would probably say Rosh Hashana. But, they would be wrong! Rosh Hashana (1st of Tishrei) is actually the beginning of the universal new year. The first Mishna in Rosh Hashana tells us that the first of Tishrei (i.e. what we call Rosh Hashana) is new year for years (non jewish kings) for shmita, yovel and all of the agricultural laws. Tishrei is the beginning of the rainy season when all farmers (Jewish and non-jewish ask for rain). On Rosh Hashana, כל באי עולם עוברין לפניך - all inhabitants of the world (jews and non-jews) come before G-d. In other words, Rosh Hashana is not the Jewish new year (it is a universal newyear) and the calendar year that follows is not the Jewish year.

So when does the Jewish year begin? Well this is Parshat Hachodesh. As the Jews are about to leave Egypt and become their own nation, they are given a new calendar. A uniquely Jewish Calendar. “החדש הזה לכם - this month is for you.” לכם ולא לאומות העולם - for you and not for the nations of the world. Our holidays, which represent G-d’s unique relationship with the Jewish people, all flow from the month of Nisan. Note that every time the torah lists the holidays, Rosh Hashana is not first. It is almost at the end because the list begins with the month of Nisan and the holiday of Pesach.

The idea of living with multiple calendars is not foreign to us. Think about your own lives. You have your school calendar, your work calendar, hobby calendars, sports calendars,  tax calendar, secular calendar etc etc. And of course we have our Jewish Calendar. For me, I have them all overlapping on my google calendar neatly color coordinated. The challenge is, what happens when two of my calendars conflict with each other? What happens when it is the 7th game of the world series and I have ticket but it is also the the first day of Sukkot. What happens when I have a very important work event and it is shabbos. Which calendar is החדש הזה לכם - which calendar is “Yours.” Which one wins out? Which calendar is is the primary one around which all the others revolve?

We as Jews in the Modern World are supposed to fully engage. We are supposed to work and participate in the arts and culture and even sports. We are supposed to have all of these overlapping calendars but we have to remember which one is לכם  - “Yours”.

When I study with conversion candidates, we primarily use three texts. One - the Torah, they must study the entire Torah; parshah by parshah. Two - a book on jewish law as they must become conversant in the Laws of shabbat, Kashrut and family purity. Three and maybe most important, I literally take out the Jewish calendar and go through it with them. The dates, the times (for prayer and shabbat etc), the special occasions. If the conversion candidate cannot make the Jewish calendar the rhythm of their lives, they will not be successful jews. We are not expected to give up the other calendars, but we must make the Jewish calendar לכם - “Yours”.  

Now back to the Yeshiva University basketball team. So the game was supposed to be on Shabbat. After a time change request, the NCAA and the opposing team agreed to have the game on Friday afternoon. But there was another problem. That week (thursday) was Purim. Which means that Wednesday was Taanit Esther (Fast of Esther). All the players fasted and they were not able to hold a practice just two days before the most important game of their lives! Wednesday night and thursday were Purim so I am sure they got a quick practice in but they also had to hear the megilah (two times), do the other mitzvot of the day and maybe even get drunk!

So think about it. The basketball team had a very important calendar, the NCAA calendar. They started months before with tryouts, the regular season, practices and now their calendar extended into the tournament for the first time in history. But when the NCAA calendar conflicted with the Jewish calendar, they knew which one was their most important calendar. Which one was לכם.

So what happened. We would hope for the fairytale ending which would go something linek this: Because they did not play on shabbos and fasted on Taanis Esther, they won in the final seconds with a buzzer beating 3-pointer! Wouldnt that be great! But that is not what happened. They lost by 14.

But that is ok. Judaism is not a fairytale. We don’t keep shabbat, to win the game. We don’t fast to make the three-pointer. We do these things because they are reflections of the most profound values of our tradition. We do it because our Jewish Calendar is לכם - “yours.”

As we go into serious Pesach preparation, let us all remember the lesson of the Jewish Calendar. We left Egypt but in order to actualize our values and make Torah the guiding force of our lives, we need the Jewish Calendar. And we need the Jewish calendar not to be just one of many overlapping calendars on our google calendar app. It must be לכם - yours. And if it is, may G-d help us make our commitment to Torah and Mitzvot stronger every day.   

Creating Sacred Spaces: Addressing Sexual Harassment and Assault - Maharat Fruchter & Rabbi Antine

Creating Sacred Spaces: Addressing Sexual Harassment and Assault

Parshat Miketz, Shabbat Chanukah

December 16, 2017

Rabbi Antine:

Maharat Fruchter and I spent a lot of time thinking about whether to discuss the issue of Sexual harassment and assault in the shul and if so how should it be done. While it is a complex discussion and we went back and forth on the particulars, we came to two conclusions: First, that we must speak about it and bring the conversation here. Part of being a Kehila Kedosha (a holy community) means that we provide support and strength for people who are struggling and in pain on an entire range of issues including victims of sexual harassment and assault. We must also be prepared to bring the most challenging conversations into our shul. Second, we have decided to give this sermon together, to model what conversations on this topic can look like between men and women. So I am going to begin the conversation by sitting down and listening to Maharat Fruchter. I will then get back up and offer some words and then she will close with an explanation of what we will do in the breakout sessions.

Maharat Fruchter:
Thank you, Rabbi Antine, for your partnership and support as we explore these difficult issues. I want to begin by telling you about the first broadway show I ever saw---Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor dreamcoat. As a seven year old just opening up to the world of studying Chumash, seeing saga of Yosef HaTzaddik depicted on stage was truly incredible. The colors, music, and costumes were enthralling, but I was struck by the seeming absence of women in the story. Who are the women, aside from the wife of Potifar, in the story of Yosef? If we really pay attention to this week’s parsha, we meet an important player: Yosef’s wife Osnat.

Pharaoh honors Yosef by giving him Osnat, “the daughter of Potiphera, priest from the city of On” as his wife (Gen 41:45). Ultimately, she becomes the mother of Menashe and Efraim. Chazal are puzzled by Osnat’s origins and her name. Who is this seemingly foreign addition to the family, Osnat Bat Potifera?

One approach from the Midrash is that Osnat is actually Dinah’s daughter, conceived after the rape of Dinah by Shechem. After her birth, her family was so ashamed of her origins, that according to one tradition, Yaakov deserts her. Midrash Talpiyot teaches he places a golden plate around her neck to indicate that she is the product of a shameful rape, and the name “Osnat,” comes from the word “Sneh”, or shrubbery, that Yaakov leaves her in. She is found later by the house of Potifar, lying between the thorns in the bush and is ultimately raised there. Another approach? That she is named “Osnat” on account of the “Ason,” the disaster, that occurs in Shechem on account of Dinah’s rape.

You may wonder about the disturbing idea that Yaakov could desert his own granddaughter. Until not long ago, however, women were actually encouraged to give up their children conceived through rape for adoption so they wouldn’t have to deal with the stigma and shame. In Andrew Solomon’s book, Far From the Tree, a book of stories of parents who deal with having exceptional children, he discusses the example of women who conceive through rape. Those who choose to keep their children often face stigma and disgrace. Furthermore, they have to constantly struggle to engage with these children without blaming them for the trauma that happened to them. One woman promises that she loves her child, but “when she touches me, it feels like hundreds of razor blades scraping across my skin, like I'm going to die.”

In some ways, Osnat perhaps represents what it feels like to carry around a sexual assault with you, like a golden plate around your neck, for your whole life--and beyond. Understanding that there is a huge spectrum of harassment and assault--ranging from inappropriate comments to physical assault, I believe it is safe to say that just about the entire women’s section today is carrying some Osnat with them at all times. Walking around as a woman in this world means always being aware of that identity. We learn to “be nice” in the face of inappropriate comments, to shrug off lewd catcalls or withstand unwanted touch that can make you shudder. We learn how to walk home at night alone looking over your shoulder, even if there is no immediate threat of danger.

I have many stories that lead to my identity as an Osnat. I’d like to share one of them with you today. To be totally honest, I hesitated greatly to share. The reasons I hesitated sheds light on why victims in general are afraid to share their stories. First, I worry about the shame that I’ll carry in the revealing of the story. Many women report shame just in sharing. Just like Dinah. Just like Osnat. Second, I know that when women speak up about these issues, they can easily be viewed, by both men and women, as one of these many lovely qualities: cold, “asking for it”, politically motivated, need to get over it, or too sensitive. But I will share. Not because my story is unique, but because it is not. To assume that people are making these stories up is painful and incorrect. And because unless it happens to someone you know or to you, you can’t imagine what it really is.

It was some years ago, on the way home from a friend’s wedding. The wedding was your typical wedding, from the shmorg all the way to the sheva brachos at the end, with spirited dancing and a glowing chattan and kallah. After a long and beautiful evening, I hitched a ride with a friend and her husband. She was the driver, and another friend of ours sat in the front. In the back was the couple’s baby, the husband of the driver, and me. In the middle of the trip, black velvet kippah on his head and wedding ring on his hand, he assaulted me. As the car continued to drive and he didn’t stop, and the baby continued to scream, there was nothing I could do, I sat there, unable to move. I toyed with opening the car door at a red light. I played with opening the car door at 15 miles per hour and rolling out, braving the injury that would ensue. I wished I could scream like the baby was screaming, but as his wife sat chatting with a friend about the front seat about the wonderful chasuna, and he had me locked in and silenced, the best I could do was just imagine that I was the one screaming, not the baby.

Being a victim of sexual violence can change you forever. Andrew Solomon quotes Marina James, another rape victim, who says she related to veterans returning from Iraq. "They've seen horrific things that they could never express. They come home and they don't know how to use their bodies; they're different. Nobody understands and they return to a community that has all these expectations that no longer make sense. That is exactly how I feel,” says James.

So, yes it can change you.

But I can’t help to to be reminded of another baby who is deserted and encounters a “Sneh”--Moshe Rabbenu, who while he started in the darkest, loneliest place, ultimately encounters God at a burning bush and becomes the shepherd of the Jewish people. My deep hope is that victims can emerge from the thorns in the way that is most healing for them. Whether by telling their story, finding deep and nurturing support, or by advocating for others, may we always find the presence of God burning brightly from the place we felt first deserted or silenced. Though we reject the trauma and try to prevent it, when it happens, may it be transformed into spiritual grit, and into our ability to radiate the Divine.

My hope is that for those of us who have gone through some version of this story, your stories are welcome here, in this shul.  I want to communicate that we want to have this conversation and it belongs here just as much as anywhere else. While the halachot around sexual boundaries and touch (yichud and negiyah) are absolutely not a silver bullet that will solve sexual violence (since it is primarily about an abuse of power), they acknowledge that we are human and can give into abuses of power. They are amazing tools within which we can have a conversation around boundaries openly. Furthermore, In a halachic culture that cares so much about the boundaries around touch, it only makes sense that our language should reflect the way we relate to those boundaries.

Finally, this is only the beginning of a conversation.  I know that these issues are complex, and my deep hope is that anyone who wants to ask hard questions can feel like they can. Therefore, we are providing the types of spaces that can model what asking hard questions in a patient, gentle, and curious way can look like.

Rabbi Antine and I have thought very deeply and for many hours about this Shabbat morning. While it is just the beginning of a much longer conversation, I look forward to being in partnership with my holy community in thinking about these issues.

Rabbi Antine:
Maharat Fruchter: Thank you for your courage in sharing those words. You have opened up our hearts, souls and minds to really think about these difficult and painful issues. I would like to respond with 3 brief points:The first is something that I have come to learn over the last month or so in conversations with Maharat Fruchter, with my wife Sarah, and with other female relatives and friends. I am speaking for myself but I am sure this will resonate with many other men.

I always understood the terrible nature of sexual assault and the permanent scars and trauma it could leave on its victims. But I think that when it comes to inappropriate comments and what might be called borderline cases of sexual harassment, I did not understand the enormity of its impact. This is because, I, as a man, have never in my life been afraid while walking to my car at night. I have never tried to figure out how fast the man behind me is walking and what are his intentions and if something happens what is my exit strategy. But for women, especially if they have been victims (but even if not), this is a major part of their existence. A catcall or even an inappropriate comment can trigger deep fear. A lewd joke can make her question someone's intentions and whether she is safe. In addition, every time, we as men, make inappropriate comments about and towards women we are diminishing their Tzelem Elokim (their Godliness). Instead of encountering women as human being whom we should learn from and share ideas with, we are objectifying them. This is point #1.

The second point is that when we think about all of the accusations and those forced to resign, it could seem like it is "out there." It is out in Media, in Hollywood and in Politics. Well I am here to say that the issue is also "in here." It is in our larger Jewish community and it is even in our shul community. In the last few weeks, I have heard from women who have experienced inappropriate words and touching in our shul. This should never happen. How could it happen in a kehillah kedosha. It is unacceptable and will not be tolerated. I know sometimes men feel like they have to make a joke or a comment but please remember that you don't have to be the funniest guy in the room. Please err on the side of boundaries, respect, and dignity. Inappropriate comments and touch will not be tolerated in our shul.

The final point is directed to Maharat Fruchter. I am so sorry you lost your voice in the back of that car on the way home from that wedding. But I’m so glad that you found it today. I am so glad that you have found your voice in so many ways and are are a spiritual leader of this shul. Thank you for your courage.  It was so important for all of us to hear because your story is the story of so many victims.

You spoke before about Osnat. The Medrash tells us the "rest of the story." After Osnat suffered so much, after she was kicked out of her house and adopted by the Potiphars, she was present at another case of sexual abuse. She was there when Yosef was sexually harassed (quid pro quo) by Potiphar’s wife. When Potiphar was about to kill Yosef, she spoke up.  She protected the victim. I know that so many Osnats have been completely silenced. I pray that everyone here (on both sides of the mechitzah) regain their voices. We need our voices to protect ourselves and to protect others who might suffer in the future. We need our collective voice to strengthen our Kehillah Kedoshah.

Maharat Fruchter:

Thank you, Rabbi Antine, for starting this process while modeling what an engaging, supportive communal and professional relationship looks like. After Kiddush, there will be three breakout sessions. Please proceed to to either the men’s group, the women’s group, or the JCADA information session. Each session will be facilitated by a mental health professional. Shabbat Shalom and please rise for Kiddush.

Resources from JCADA

What is sexual harassment?

- Uninvited or unwelcome verbal or physical behavior of a sexual nature, or requests for sexual favors,

especially by a person in authority toward a subordinate (such as an employee or student).

- Sexual harassment can be physical, verbal, or non-verbal

Unwelcome: sexual conduct is unwelcome whenever the person subjected to it considers it unwelcome.

Sexual harassment includes many things:

- Inappropriate touching, invasion of privacy (leaning over, cornering)

- Obscene gestures/jokes/comments/sexual looks/whistling

- Unwelcomed phone calls, texts, emails

- Pressure for sexual favors

- Pressure for dates

- Turning work discussions into sexual topics

- Personal questions about social or sexual life

Examples:

- When an employment decision, such as a promotion or assignment, is dependent upon submission to the sexual harassment

- When a work environment feels intimidating, hostile, or offensive and unreasonably interferes with an employee’s work performance

Resources:

Montgomery County Victim Assistance and Sexual Assault Program (VASAP)

24 hour crisis line: (240)777-HELP (4357)

Main Phone: (240)777-1355

Montgomery County Commission for Women

Counseling and Career Center

(240)777-8300

JCADA Jewish Coalition Against Domestic Abuse

(301)315-8041 – confidential helpline

(301)315-8040 – Main office line

“How a Bike Thief taught me about Yom Kippur and Life” - Yom Kippur 5778

About a month ago, Sarah and I were on a bike ride. We stopped at a coffee shop in Rockville Town Center. Sarah went in and I was outside with the unlocked bikes about 4 feet from me. I was of course glued to my phone and not really watching the bikes. All of the sudden, I hear someone yelling, “that guy stole your bike.” I look up and sure enough, someone had hopped on Sarah’s bike and was riding away. I started running after him and I started screaming at the top of my lungs, “Bike thief….that guy stole my bike…”. A crowd starting converging. I was catching up because there were a lot of pedestrians so the thief couldn't go so fast. I am screaming “Bike Thief, Bike Thief” and I am getting more and more upset at this guy. I am so angry. By nature, I am not prone to violence but I have to admit that in that moment I was thinking “If I catch this guy, I am going to pummel him.” I was so angry.

And then I am like 10 feet behind him still screaming and he has nowhere to go. So he stops the bike and gets off and begins to walk away. But before he walked away, I caught a glimpse of his face. And everything changed for me in that moment. I went from being so angry and mad to feeling nothing but compassion. Because when I saw his face, this is what I saw. First, he was no more than 20 years old. He was just a kid. Second, I saw his tattered clothes. Third, something was off. He looked high. He was probably an addict. Maybe homeless.

He was such a nebuch...he couldn’t even successfully steal a bike. I remember feeling like I should run after him and give him the bike! (remember it was sarah’s bike, not mine!).

In that moment I understand a Midrash that I have heard many times.

The Midrash (Vayikra Rabbah Parshah 29) tells us that on Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur as we daven, blow shofar, klap al chet, we are really asking G-d for one request.  We are asking G-d to be עומד מכסא הדין ויושב בכסא רחמים - “to get up from the throne of Justice and sit in the throne of mercy”.

When I saw my bike thief’s face, I had a visceral understanding of what it means to leave the chair of justice (or judgement or anger) and sit down on the throne of compassion, mercy, and understanding. I saw the thief’s face and we want G-d to see our faces. To see our “tattered clothes,” our struggles and challenges.

The sin of the Golden Calf (and subsequent forgiveness) is the central story of Yom Kippur. G-d had said (2’nd commandment) that if the people worship other gods, the punishment would be death. When we sinned, G-d initial response was to threaten death and destruction. Moshe intercedes and G-d decides instead to treat us with compassion. This is when we are taught to sing G-d’s 13 Attributes of Mercy (Hashem, Hashem, Kel Rachum V’chanun) which we do so many times over Yom Kippur.

What is the difference between Din (Justice) and Rachamim (compassion)?

Din is only concerned with the facts. Rachamim is concerned with the context behind the facts.

Din says, “that guy stole your bike. He deserves to be punished.” Rachamim looks at his face and struggles. Din only sees that the Jewish people worshiped a Golden Calf. Rachamim knows that we were still a slave people. We had just gone through very difficult periods of hunger and thirst in the desert.

So which one wins out? Din or Rachamim? Well if you look in the Talmud (the book of laws and justice), G-d is referred to not as “Dayan” (the judge) but as “Rachmana” (the compassionate one).

Of course there is a place for Din. Without it, there would be chaos. But it is confined to the Beit Din (the court). It is put in a building (bayit) and in a legal structure. Everything else, the way we are supposed to deal with friends, family and others is through Rachamim (compassion/mercy).

But there is a big problem with all of this. We are full of Chutzpah. How can we have the chutzpah to ask Hashem to get off the throne of justice and sit down on the throne of compassion if we don’t do that in our life? How hypocritical are we? Which throne do you usually find yourself sitting in?

When your waiter accidentally messes up your order, which throne are you on (justice or compassion)? When there is a tense moment at work and you feel an employee or co-worker did something wrong and it hurt you, which throne are you on? When a friend should have been present for you when you were struggling, but for whatever reason did not show up, which throne are you on? When family members do things that infuriate us, which throne are we on?

The crazy thing is that it should be easier for us to do this - get off the throne of justice and sit on the throne of mercy - than it is for G-d. This is because G-d never messes up. But for us to shift to the throne of mercy is just acting in our own self interest because we know that we are always messing up. We arent perfect friends, co-workers, children, parents etc etc and when we mess up, we want to be forgiven.

The Talmud has a beautiful term for what I am talking about. It is not really about forgiving after the fact. It is about cutting people more slack to begin with. The talmud calls this מעביר על מדותיו (Ma’avir Al Midosav). Midah means the measure. As in measure for measure. Someone harmed us, he or she deserves this punishment or consequence. But Ma’avir al midosav means that I let it pass. While it's happening I understand the context and after the fact I forgive.

If we want G-d to shift to the throne of compassion and mercy, we must make that shift as well.

Practical Tip - Every Night we are supposed to say the bedtime shema before going to sleep. There is a beautiful little declaration that we make before the shema.

This is what it says:

“Master of the universe, I hereby forgive anyone who angered or antagonized me, whether against my body, my property, my honor, or against anything of mine, whether he did it accidentally, willfully, carelessly, or purposely, whether through speech or deed  – No man should be punished (by Heaven) because of me.”

If you say this every night, it will change you. It will help you spend a lot more time on the throne of compassion.

I would like to conclude with a famous story that I just heard on Krista Tippet’s show “On Being.” She was interviewing John Lewis, the congressman and famous civil rights icon. It was a Sunday in March 1965 and Lewis was leading the Selma - Montgomery March for Voting Rights. When they reached the Edmund Pettis bridge (which was very tall) they could not see the other side. When they got to the midpoint, they saw a sea of white Alabama state troopers with batons on the other side. They continued walking. When they got to the of the bridge they were warned to disperse. They stood there. I encourage you to go online and watch the footage. At this point they are just attacked by a mob of state troopers who started beating them mercilessly. John Lewis suffered a concussion and together with 40 others was hospitalized. This has become known as “bloody sunday.”

Krista Tippet asked John Lewis if he forgave the white trooper who struck him in the head. Lewis said that he forgave him. But the amazing thing is that he didn’t only forgive him years later. Rather, while he was being hit, he was forgiving. Here’s what Lewis said at another point in the interview: “The attitude was you can arrest me, take me to jail, almost kill me, but in spite of that, I'm going to still love you.” How? That man who hit him was an innocent child at one time. What kind of poisonous lessons was he taught that would lead him to do this. What kind of struggle is he going through in his own life to make him violent?

While John Lewis is exemplifying what I would call Heroic Forgiveness, what I am talking about here is becoming someone who is more forgiving. To live more on the throne of mercy.

What is crazy is that John Lewis seemed to be less upset at the man who gave him a concussion than I sometimes get at people in my own life who make mistakes.

So when I think back to the bike thief, I am actually grateful that the bike was almost stolen. (remember it was Sarah’s bike!!). That bike thief taught me a very important lesson. He taught me to look in the face of those who “hurt” me; to see their “tattered cloths,” struggles and challenges. He taught me to spend a little less time on the throne of Justice and a little more time on the throne of compassion.

Let’s all try to shift to the throne of compassion and in that merit may Hashem treat us only with compassion and seal us in the Book of Life for a year of Health, well-being and a year in which our deepest prayers are answered.