Talk at 5th annual Pre Pesach Seder Summit at Beth Sholom

Jewish Role Modeling at the Seder

There is a very funny piece from Jon Stewart called “Faith off.” In the piece he compares the Easter basket full of chocolate with the seder plate. “Which one will kids prefer, chocolate filled eggs or the bone of a dead baby lamb!” He reminds us that “the key, is the children” and he begs his “mishpacha” (the jews) to step up our game so that we can win this one!

Jon Stewart is correct. The “key is the children.” But we are probably never going to win with the food. There has to be something more meaningful that we give our children on seder night.

The “gift” is of course the primary mitzvah of the seder, “Tell it to your children.” Seder night is the most important night of the year because it is our chance to tell our children why Judaism is so important. Why did the Jews have to suffer in Egypt only to be set free? Why is this the foundational story of our people? If we see ourselves as having been enslaved, what would our obligations be in our everyday life every time we pull up to a red light and someone is asking for food? These are the kinds of conversations we should be having at the seder. We tell our children why Judaism is so important to us and why we are so committed. This is our gift to our children.

The problem is that we all know that words are cheap. We cannot tell our children "Do as I say and not as I do." In other words, the only way that the Hagadah (literally, telling or talking) will work is if the words are backed up by action. “We must be the people that we want our children to become.” In other words, we have to be good jewish role models.

What is so interesting is that there are studies that demonstrate that when you ask children who is their #1 role model, over 50% of them say a mom or a dad! Those who say someone else (rock star, athlete etc) will say that mom or dad is #2 or #3. In other words, our children (and young people in general) are looking to us to be role models.

Are we doing a good job? How does the seder (which is really all about talking and not doing) help us succeed as role models?

To illustrate the challenge, I recall a beautiful insight by Rabbi Yosef Blau regarding the story of  Joseph and Potiphar's wife. Potiphar's wife tried to seduce Joseph. The rabbis understand Jospeh's test as being more than sexual temptation. If Joseph succumbs, he will be giving up his Jewish identity and assimilating into Egypt. This is one of those “make it or break it” moments for Joseph. We know what happens. He runs away and passes the test. But the rabbis want to know, what gave Joseph the strength to run away from such a temptation? The rabbis say that at the last moment, Jospeh saw an image of his father. It popped into his mind and he realized who he was and what he to be and he ran away.

We all have to ask ourselves a difficult question. If our children are in a situation where they have a make it or break it decision about Judaism (and these decisions usually happen when children are not with parents), what will happen? Will an image of us pop into their minds? And if that image does pop into their minds will it help them make the correct decision?

This will only happen, if we role model our Judaism. If our kids know that we are not Jewish for them but because we genuinely love judaism.

There is a secret among rabbis that the only way you will get parents in 30's - 50s' to come to shul programming is if you do something for the kids then the parents come. This is important but we will only transmit to the children if they know we love it.

This takes us back to the seder. Where is the role modeling?

I think it can be found in the opening paragraph of Magid.

"This is the bread of affliction….all who are hungry come and eat…"

Two questions:

1.) What kind of an invitation is this? We invite people over to eat poor person's bread (Matzah). This is what slaves eat, why would we serve it to our guests?

2.) Isn't it a little late for the invitation? We are already at the seder. The brisket is in the oven and the guests (if there are any) are here. Who is going to come now?

Rabbi Jonathan Sacks shares the powerful story of Primo Levi. The most difficult 11 days in Auschwitz were the 11 days after the Nazis ran away but before the Russians came. It was awful when the Nazis were there but at least they fed them (as meager portions as they were). However after the Nazis left, they were literally starving.

One day, there was a commotion out in the fields so Primo Levi goes out to see what is happening. It turns out that some people have found some potatoes. Then Primo saw something amazing. The people were sharing their potatoes with others. Primo said that it was at that moment that he knew they were free. People who are enslaved do not share. whatever they get they hoard. If they are sharing that means they have hope and they are truly free. So sharing means taking the meager potatoes or Matzah (poor persons bread) and sharing it with others.

So when we begin the seder with the invitation, we are really turning to our family and saying, look what we have done. We have invited guests. We have given Maot Chittin (charity so that people who are poor can also have a seder). We are sharing whatever we have because this is what it means to be free, to have faith and to have hope.

So the role modeling that we do at the seder must come before the seder. It is about sharing what we have. Only then will the lesson of "we were slaves but now we are free" have any impact. We know (in the collective jewish conscious what it means to be hungry so we say (and have hopefully already said), "all who are hungry come and eat." These aren't just words, It is the reason we exist.

I encourage everyone to tell their families about the mitzvoth they performed tonight. Whether it was bringing suits for people who cannot afford one for a job interview, whether it was contributing job offering to our job bank or contributing money for maot chittin so that other local families can enjoy a seder. I encourage people to explain to their children why these mitzvoth directly emerge from the lessons of the seder. I encouraged the dads to not only tell their children but to be living role models of what is important in life.

May we all enjoy a meaningful Passover 5775!