The Matriarchs and Infertility: In support of Jewish Couples struggling with infertility and miscarriage

Why did our Matriarchs suffer with Infertility?

Why did our Matriarchs and Patriarchs suffer with infertility? This question is particularly pressing because Avraham and Sarah were promised children like the stars of the heaven and the sand of the sea. I imagine, Avraham and Sarah praying to G-d, “forget about the stars of the Heaven, please just give me one child.”

This question has been on my mind this week because of two things that happened to me. First, I had a wonderful meeting with Amy Forseter and Caryn Malkus from the The Red Stone, the only organization in the DC area that focuses on supporting Jewish women and couples struggling with infertility. I am so grateful that they came to meet with me. I learned that about one of every 6 couples struggles with infertility. I learned about their feelings of isolation, frustration, and shame particularly in our Orthodox community which is so focused on children and parenting. I discovered that the average couple who struggles with infertility spends over $100,000 on treatments. Think about the financial stress that this would cause. In addition to being a resource for me, Amy and Caryn are available to help out and offer support services to anyone is our shul or anyone you might know who is struggling with infertility.

The second thing that happened this week was that I listened to a very powerful lecture by Rabbi Aaron Levitt describing the years-long struggle that his wife Elisheva and he had with infertility.

Shortly after having their first child (Shira), Elisheva became pregnant with the second. Elisheva's blood is RH negative and Rabbi Aaron's is RH positive but this is usually solved by taking a rather routine Rhogam shot. The pregnancy was going well until the 31st week when complications arose. Elisheva went to the hospital and the baby did not survive. At 31 weeks, the dead baby must go through a full delivery. Imagine the pain of that delivery.

Elisheva and Rabbi Aaron did not give up. Elisheva got pregnant again and this time she was closely monitored from day 1. Unfortunately after 16 weeks, this baby did not survive either.

At this point, Elisheva and Rabbi Aaron were told not to try again. Over the next few years, they explored other options (surrogacy and adoption) but nothing materialized. Finally, they were informed that there was a new technology where the fetus could be given blood transfusions in utero. Elisheva got pregnant for a third time. Things went well at first, but then towards the end of the pregnancy, complications arose and a third child did not survive.

Oy. Feel the pain of this couple. Hopes shattered. Dreams never realized. All of this while seeing all of their friends celebrate bris after bris.  So many tears.

As I listened to Rabbi Aaron and Elisheva’s story and as I reflected on my meeting with Amy and Caryn from The Red Stone, I kept going back to the question, why did our Patriarchs and Matriarchs suffer so much from infertility and what is this supposed to teach us?

I was immediately drawn to two lessons from our Parshah (Toldot). The Torah tells us that Rivka was an Akarah (Barren). Now when Biblical women are infertile, how do their Biblical husbands react? What do they do to solve the problem? That is right. They usually take a Biblical concubine. This is what Avraham does. This is what Yaakov does. Chana’s husband Elkana has a second wife, Penina.

But what does Yitzchak (Rivka’s husband) do?

The verse tells us:

ויעתר יצחק לד' לנוכח אשתו

Yitzchak prays to Hashem for (and together) with his wife.

Yitzchak does not leave. He doesn't find another wife. He is drawn closer to her.

There is a beautiful midrash that illustrates this.

מלמד שהיה יצחק שטוח כאן והיא שטוחה כאן ואומר רבש"ע כל בנים שאתה נותן לי יהיו מן הצדקת הזו אף היא אמרה כן כל בנים שאת עתיד ליתן לי יהיו מן הצדיק הזה.

Yitzchak bowed on one side and Rivka bowed on the other. Yitzchak said, “Master of the Universe, any child that you give me should be from this righteous woman. Rivka said, “any child that you give me should only be from this righteous man.”

Many couples who are struggling with infertility drift apart. The pain is so great. The stress on the marriage (financial and emotional) is so high. Yitzchak and Rivka are a model of the opposite. They come together in an ever deeper way than before.

In addition to the couples drifting apart, there is often a distancing of friends and family. People don’t know what to say. We have a hard enough time going to a shiva visit. How much more difficult is it to be with someone when they just had their third miscarriage.

Rabbi Aaron said that as painful as it was to hear inappropriate comments from friends (and there were many of them including “at least you don’t have to deal with the midnight feeding”), it was ever more painful when friends disappeared. Nobody knows what to say but sometimes the best thing is to just be there. Rabbi Aaron shared that after the third miscarriage which was on a Friday, he went to shul the next morning. He showed up late and left early because he didn’t really want to talk to anyone. In the middle of davening, a number of his friends came up to him. They didn’t say a word they just gave him a big hug for 30 seconds. The hug said it all. “We have no idea what to say. We have no idea how we can help. But we are here for you.” This was the very comforting for Rabbi Aaron.

This is lesson #1 that we learn from Yitzchak and Rivka. Yitzchak and Rivka, at a time of great stress, actually come closer together. When people are struggling with infertility and so many other Tzarus (difficulties) in life, we cannot disappear. Even if we don’t know what to say or how to help, we have to just be there for them.

The second lesson comes the Talmud (Yevamos 64a). The Talmud asks our question: Why were the Matriarchs and Patriarchs barren? The answer is:

מפני שהקב"ה מתאווה לתפילתן של צדיקים

Because G-d craves the prayers of the righteous.  

Rabbi Levitt and Elisheva shared that this rabbinic teaching was at first very painful for them. Would G-d cause them to suffer so much just because He wants their prayers?

But then over time they came to interpret the passage not as a theological explanation for why they were suffering. But rather is an invitation from G-d to use prayer as a strategy, as a source of comfort and even hope. They said that ultimately, prayer and especially the reading of Tehillim (Psalms) gave them great comfort and hope.

One Psalm in particular was the Shir Hama’alot (Psalm 126) that we sing before Birkhat Hamazon. There is one line that I never read in this way but I will now never be able to read another way. The Psalm refers to people who are:

הזורעים בדמעה, ברנה יקצרו

Those who plant with tears, will eventually harvest with Rinah - or joyous song.

This line so comforted them. On the one hand, it acknowledged their pain and tears and all of their struggles. It made them feel heard. And then it also offered them hope. It told them that even if they might need to alter their expectations, but that their dreams would be fulfilled. Eventually, in some way, they would be able to ברנה יקצרו - produce fruit, in joy and song and Rinah.

This I think is the second lesson that we can learn from the Matriarchs and Patriarchs and their infertility. Some of us are struggling with infertility, some of us with sickness, some of us with making a living. But all of us are currently or at some point will be struggling with something. This is the human condition. And when this happens, we have tefilah and tehillim as a strategy, as an anchor. G-d invites us to use our prayers as a source of comfort and even hope.

So what is the postscript to the story with Rabbi Aaron and Elisheva? They eventually found a surrogate to carry their baby. She got pregnant and after 9 months, she gave birth. To twins! A boy and a girl. They named the boy Simcha because he brought them so much happiness. And they named the girl….that is right...you guessed it….Rinah - Joyous song. They didn’t expect their family to come in this way. There was much planting with tears. Many altered expectations. But at the end, they had Shira, Simcha and Rinah.

May Hashem bless all of us with the lessons of this Parshah. May Hashem give us the strength to be with our friends and family when they are struggling. And May Hashem bless us all that even if along the way we have many tears, at the end, May Hashem bless us ברנה יקצרו  - to reap with Joyous song.

“Is there any good? Reflections on another very difficult week in Israel”

Until this past Tuesday, Malchei Yisrael street in Geulah was the place I used to go to get the best Garinim (sunflower seeds) before shabbat. Malchei Yisrael street will never be the same. This past week, there were many stabbings, shootings and car rammings but one will stay in my mind forever. It happened on Tuesday morning on Malchei Yisrael street and it was caught on video so you can see it all online. A Bezek (Israeli phone company) car driven by an Arab sped into a bus stop right into a number of people waiting for the bus. At least 2 people literally went flying upon impact. I have never seen anything so horrific. The terrorist then got out of the car with a meat cleaver and started hacking away at his victims. Even after a security guard came and shot the terrorist in the leg, he got up two or three times with such rage just to continue killing. If they say that a picture is worth a thousand words then a video will be with me forever. I have read about terrorist attacks. I have even seen some pictures after the fact. But to see video footage of such evil, of such hatred, it really impacted me.

I want to share with you my emotional response to watching this video. First, I was angry. I was angry at the terrorist. How could he do this. This wasn’t even a disgruntled employee who was attacking his coworkers. He did not even know these people. They were just jews in Israel. it could have been me or you or any of our children who were visiting Israel waiting at that bus stop after buying some sunflower seeds. I was angry at his family. The name of this terrorist was Alaa Abu Jamal. He was the uncle of Uday and Muhammad Jamal, the terrorists who used knives, meat cleavers and guns to murder 4 jews in prayer and the Druze policeman who tried to save them last November in Har Nof. The uncle (or cousin according to some reports) was actually interviewed last November on Arabic Israeli TV. He was asked, Are you happy [with what they did]? He said, “Thank Allah. Someone who dies a martyr, that is a great thing.” How could one family create these three terrorists. What kinds of sermons did their Imam give? My first emotion was anger.

My second emotion was to be very worried. Worried about my two nephews who live in Jerusalem. Worried about my friends and Beth Sholom families who have made Aliyah. Worried about our children from Beth Sholom who are spending the year studying in Israel. Many of them are scared to even walk out of their dormitories. I am so worried about all of them and their safety in a city and country where there aren't even sirens warning you about a stabber.

Then the third emotion I had was the most disturbing. It was a deep sense of Ye’ush (giving up hope). it was the feeling of “will this ever end”? It seems like every other summer there is a war. Every few years another intifada. Will we ever be able to go to Israel to visit or study or make aliyah and not have to worry that there are people who want to kill you? And over the week a deep sense of despair, giving up and depression around this issue took hold of me.

This depression or despair was scary. Rav Nachman of Breslov, a man who was prone to depression, taught over and over again that despair is not just a bad emotion, it is dangerous. Despair leads to anger which leads to violence.

All you have to do is look around this country at the many young people who are in a sense of deep depression and despair. All too often, the depression turns into anger and violence either, G-d forbid at themselves, or sometimes it turns into mass shootings. Despair is in fact a very dangerous emotion.

So I turned to the parshah for some guidance and I was shocked to find the following description of G-d, right before he brought on the flood. It is actually in the second to last verse of Bereishit. The posuk says that G-d saw all of the evil, ויתעצב אל לבו - “He was sad / depressed in his heart.” How could G-d be depressed? This is obviously a metaphor to teach how we are supposed to act. The verse before says וינחם ד’ כי עשה האדם - “G-d regretted making Humans.” Remember in last week’s parshah, G-d tries an experiment called “Humanity.” He creates us with not only a יצר הטוב (inclination towards Good) but also with a יצר הרע (an inclination towards evil). Why? so we can have free will and choose to be Good. But how do we act. Adam and Eve sin. Cain kills Abel. The powerful abuse the weak. There is theft and robbery and a complete disregard for others. G-d gave us free will and we chose to be Evil. G-d sees this and gets “depressed.” He gives up on the world. And then we have the scariest verse in all of the Torah: ויאמר ד’ אמחה את האדם - “G-d says I will destroy Humanity.”

Depression leads to giving up which leads to Violence and Destruction.

But how can we overcome this? How can we view the video that I described, how can we be the victims of so much hatred, violence and terrorism and not despair? How can we remain strong and not have Ye’ush (loss of hope)?

I think the answer lies in a very powerful teaching of Rav Nachman of Breslov. It is called Azamra (Likutei Mohoran #282). Rav Nachman is answering our question. How do we not succumb to despair when everything seems so bad. He quotes a verse from Tehillim that says עוד מעט ואין רשע (“in just a bit there won’t be evil”). The simple explanation is that we shouldn't worry about Evil people because in just a bit of time, G-d will get rid of them. But Rav Nachman has a different interpretation. When you see someone who is so bad, ask yourself if there is a מעט (a little bit) of good. There has to be some good, focus on it and then you can elevate the entire person and there won’t be any evil left.

Rav Nachman then says that we have to apply this to ourselves. When we are feeling full of despair and worthless, and it feels like we get nothing right, at that moment, we have to find the עוד מעט (the little bit) of good and focus on it and we can lift ourselves up with it.

The same is true of society in general. When everything seems so bad and so evil and that there is no hope, we must focus on the עוד מעט (the little good) and lift our hopes through it.

I think this happens at the end of the flood story. G-d tells Noach to leave the ark. The first thing Noach does is bring a sacrifice. He transcends his selfish needs and engages in worship. The verse says that G-d smells the sacrifice and says, “I will no longer destroy the world.” G-d is saying that he will no longer focus on the overwhelming majority of people who are evil, but He will focus on the עוד מעט. He will focus on Noah and his family. He will focus on Avraham and Sarah. He will focus on the עוד מעט that is good and elevate the world through them instead of giving up and destroying. G-d is of course teaching us a lesson.

In that spirit, I would ask us to look back at the last two weeks, and focus on the עוד מעט (the little bit of good). I would point to at least 3 examples of עוד מעט (the little good).

First - Let us go back to the gruesome video I opened with. It was not all bad. You see after the terrorist attack but even before the terrorist was taken down, you would think that everyone would run away as fast as possible. But if you watch the video, you will see that people did not run away. They ran towards the victims. Some with guns but others just with their hands to try to protect and save the victims. And then on the video, you see Magen Dovid Edom and IDF rushing towards the scene to protect. And people are still running towards the victims. Organizations like Operation Embrace and so many others are running towards the hospitals. All of these people are עוד מעט. They are bringing a little light into such darkness. They are bringing a little comfort into so much pain and little love into so much hatred. Let us all dig a little deeper into our souls (and wallets) and support these efforts.

Second - This is a little political but it must be said. There have been lies coming out of the Palestinian Leadership about Israel executing 13 year old innocent boys. First, the boy was not innocent as he tried to kill another 13 year old Jewish boy. Second, he is alive and being treated and spoon fed by Israeli nurses. These lies have to be stopped, not only because they are false but because they make it harder for Israel’s security forces to protect lives. This is another עוד מעט. In a world full of lies and distortions, find your favorite organization or form of political action to help Israel’s security establishment do its job.

Now the final example of עוד מעט, a little light in so much darkness. Just an hour before shabbat, I read an article from the Times of Israel about a group of 300 Israeli Jews and Arabs who made a human chain across Highway 65 at the Megido Junction in the Galilee. They were saying No to violence. They were committing to coexistence and peaceful living together. They condemned all forms of violence and inciting of violence.

I was very touched by this. I know what the cynics are going to say. Who cares if 100 arabs stand hand in hand with Jews. What about the thousands who support violence. I would respond that those 100 Arabs are very important. They are the עוד מעט (the little good). We must focus on that. Please understand that this is not a political or military strategy that I am offering. This is a spiritual solution to make sure we do not give up hope.

I was also touched to hear that on Thursday, Rabbi David Lau (Chief Rabbi of Israel) had lunch in a New York Kosher restaurant with Imams. This is עוד מעט.

I have to say that there is an organization in town that tries to “twin” Rabbis and Imams. They have asked me to participate in the program and I have always pushed them off. But on erev shabbat after hearing about the Jews and Arabs in the Galilee, I emailed the organization and said, “I am ready.” If there is an Imam who wants to meet me for coffee, if there is an Imam who wants to extend his hand to mine, I am ready to take it. I am ready to bring an עוד מעט - a little light into this world of darkness. A little brotherhood, in a world where everyone seems to hate.

On this week of so much evil, let us try to find and bring a little light to the world. Let us help the victims and bring them some comfort. Let us fight falsehoods that are so dangerous to our Chayalim and security who are doing everything they can to protect Am Yisrael. And in a world where it seems there is much hatred in the name of Islam, let us find the Muslims or Imams who are ready to extend a hand in peace, and let us shake that hand.

May Hashem bring a refuah shlaima to the injured and bring nechama to the families of the victims and to all of Am Yisrael.

In Memory of Rabbi Eitam and Na'ama Henkin Z"l - Shabbat Chol Hamoed 5776

Thursday started of as a wonderful day. I picked up my parents from the airport and then went to the Early Childhood Center Sukkah Party. I had a chance to shake the Lulav and Etrog with all of the kids and I was truly feeling a sense of Simchat Hachag (Holiday Joy) despite all of the rain.

I then went to my office and checked the news and I found out about two horrific events, one in Oregon and one in Israel. The first was yet another shooting at a University. When will this end?

The second was the brutal murder of Eitam and Na’ama Henkin. An act committed by Palestinian Terrorists right in front of their 4 children (Matan Hillel 9, Nitzan Yitzchak 7, Neta Eliezer 4 and

Itamar, 4 months old).

The attack in Israel has particularly consumed me. Maybe it is because Eitam was a young rabbi like me, Na’ama an artist, his children are roughly the age of my children. Also, Eitam’s mother is Rabbanit Chana Henkin, the founder of Nishmat. Rabbanit Henkin was here as a scholar in residence a few years ago speaking from this pulpit.

The funeral was on Friday at 11 am. Afterwards a number of clips from the funeral were put online. One clip was of 9 year old Matan saying Kaddish at the funeral. I don’t know why I do this to myself, but I kept listening to Matan’s kaddish over and over again on Friday. As I listened to his Kaddish, I kept thinking of a few questions.

How can we celebrate the rest of Sukkot, Zman Simchateinu, the time when we are supposed to be happy and at the same time hear Matan’s Kaddish?

How can we think of the pain and grief of Rabbanit Chanah and Rabbi Yehuda Herzl (Eitam’s father) and say today in Hallel, זה היום עשה ה’ נגילה ונשמחה בו - “This is the day that G-d has made let us sing and rejoice on it.”

How can we think of the hole in the hearts of Chanan and Hila (Na’ama’s Parents) and say אודך כי עניתני - “Thank you Hashem for answering me.” Were their prayers answered?

How can we pick up the Lulav and Etrog which represents all of our Blessings in life and say הודו לד’ כי טוב כי לעולם חסדו - “Thanks you Hashem, your Kindness is with us always.”

In short, how can we, on the one hand, think about Eitam and Na’ama, and on the other hand experience the joy of Sukkot?

These questions can never really be answered but I would like to teach some of the Torah of Rabbi Eitam Henkin and show you some of the art of Na’ama. I hope that this will help us to at least begin thinking of these issues.

Rabbi Eitam, despite his young age, was very prolific. He already published a number of books (both on Halacha and Academic studies) and many articles that are available online that I have been reading over the last 2 days. Rabbi Eitam also has a number of audio classes online and on Erev Shabbat, I was listening to his classes. There is something very sad but also very powerful about listening to someone who has just been killed. I think that learning his Torah is a way to keep his flame going so I will present some of his Torah now.

The essay that I would like to focus on is all about the bracha of Shehechiyanu. Whenever we perform a mitzvah which is only done during one time period a year, we say Shehechiyanu (“Thank you Hashem for bringing us to this moment”). We say Shehechiyanu when we blow the shofar, when we sit in sukkah, shake the lulav, have the seder and many other mitzvot. There is one exception. There is one mitzvah where we do not say Shehechiyanu. What is it? It is the counting of the Omer. Rabbi Eitam has an article exploring why is it that we do not say Shehichiyanu for the counting of the Omer. Rabbi Eitam first quotes Rabbi Zerachya Halevi (12th century Provence) who explains that we don’t say Shehichiyanu because nowadays we only count the Omer to remember the destruction of the Temple. We remember what the Omer sacrifice was like in the Temple. This doesn’t lead one to happiness but to sadness and sorrow. Therefore we do not say Shehechiyanu.

Rabbi Eitam had the following question. According to this logic, there is another Mitzvah where we should not say Shehechiyanu. The mitzvah of Lulav and Etrog, according to the Torah is only performed all 7 days of Sukkot in the Temple. Outside of the Temple, the Lulav is only taken on the first day. Why then do we take the Lulav all seven days? The same reason as the Omer. Zecher L’churban. To remember the destruction. To remember what was. What sukkot was like in the Temple. If that is the case then just as we do not make Shehechiyanu on the Omer we should not make it on the Lulav (especially if for whatever reason, the first time we take the Lulav is on day #2). Rabbi Eitam answers in the following way (without getting into the details). He says that there is a major difference between the Omer and Lulav. All 49 says of counting the Omer are only to remember the destruction. They are all sad. Therefore we do not say Shehechiyanu. However, when it comes to Lulav even though days 2 - 7 have an element of sadness but there is still day #1. Day #1 is pure joy and thanksgiving. We therefore say Shehechiyanu. Even if 6 out of the 7 days are sad but if there is even one day (or one aspect) of happiness, we say shehichiyanu. This is a very important lesson that can be generalised to many aspects of life.

This teaching of Rabbi Eitam reminds me of a beautiful insight of Rav Amital (the Rosh Hayeshiva of Yeshivat Har Etzion who died a few years ago). Rav Amital was apparently asked by his students the following. Why do we say Shehichiyanu on Yom Ha’atzmaut. After all, the celebration is not complete. It is only Reishit Tzmichat Geulateinu (“The beginning of the flowering of redemption”). There is still war, terror, poverty and so many other problems. So how can we say Shehechiyanu if the joy is not complete? Rav Amital answered that we do not only say Shehichiyanu when the joy is complete. If we only said Shehechiyanu when the joy is 100% then we would never say Shehechiyanu. Who goes into their sukkah and doesn’t think about who is no longer there? Who picks up their lulav and etrog and doesn’t think about the struggles of life? Joy is never complete but yet we must say Shehechiyanu.

This is lesson #1 that we learn from Rabbi Eitam. The second lesson comes from a piece of artwork from Na’ama. But first I want to share a thought about Kohelet (the book that we are about to read) which relates to Na’ama’s art. Last night, I read the book of Kohelet. It is the most depressing book ever! The basic idea of the book is that life is meaningless. All of the problems in life will not be solved. There is nothing new under the sun.

Why would Shlomo write such a book. Is this really what Judaism believes?

I heard a beautiful interpretation. King Shlomo wrote this book from the perspective of someone else. Someone who he was not but was always worried that he could become. The word that repeats itself over and over again is the word “Ani” - I. Everything is in first person singular. “I thought to do this.” “I tried that…” אני אני אני - I, I, I. The word that is missing is אנחנו (“we”). There is no “we,” no family, no community and no nation. If there is only “I” if everything is about my life then everything is Hevel (meaningless). There is no purpose in accomplishing everything because at the end we will die and go to the same place as the animals. There is no legacy. No family to sacrifice for. No community to serve. No Nation to live or die for. Everything is truly meaningless. Na’ama’s artwork that she made this year for sukkot (and is now all around Israel as her parents asked people to put it up in their sukkot) is a depiction of the beautiful midrash that describes the 4 species as representing the 4 types of jews who are all brought together in the Sukkah. This is the אנחנו - this is the “we.” This is the “nation.”

Yesterday at the funeral, Rabbanit Chana (Eitam’s mother) said that we will raise the children in the same way that Na’ama and Eitam would have raised them. This is “we.”

Thousands came to the funeral. This is community.

The many chayalim are spending their shabbat searching for the terrorists to do their best to make sure other Israelis are safe. This is “Am” - peoplehood.

This is Na’ama’s art. Na’ama and Eitam’s lessons for all of us. Eitam taught us that we have to say the Shehechiyanu even when things are mostly sad if we can just find that one aspect of joy. Na’ama taught us that this might be possible through appreciating the blessing of family, friends, community and peoplehood.

This might be the key to recapture at least some simcha (joy) during this difficult time.

I opened by talking about Matan’s kaddish at the funeral. I would like to conclude by noting the prayer that will be said by Chana and Hila (mothers of Eitam and Na’ama) tomorrow night as Shmini Atzeret / Simchat Torah begins. Chana and Hila will light the Yom Tov candles. Then they will close their eyes and like mothers all around the world, they will pray for their families. G-d only knows how difficult this will be and what they will pray for. But I do know that then they will open their eyes. They will see the lights (which represent so much) and then they will say the bracha Lehadlik Ner shel Yom Tov (Kindling the Yom Tov candles). Then, as difficult as it will be, they will say Shehechiyanu, Vikiyimanu, Vihigiyanu Lazman Hazeh (Thank you for bringing us to this time). This year it will feel like a lie. The words will come out with much difficulty. But they will keep on saying them at every holiday and eventually there will be some joy. Those kids will grow up. They will have Bar Mitzvah, graduations and other celebrations. They will eventually grow up and learn their father’s books and be inspired by their mother’s artwork and while they will be sad not to have them, they will take great pleasure and pride in the amazing parents that they had.

This will all be possible because of the “Anachnu.” This will all be possible because of the community. This will all be possible because of the Shehechiyanu.

May Hashem look down at this beautiful family that has suffered so much and bring them and all of Clal Yisrael consolation.

Yom Kippur Sermon 2015 - "Seeing into the Future"

Many of you already know that I am a bit of a Junk-Food addict. Sometimes, especially if I am working late at night, I will go to the Supermarket just to buy nosh. I usually have to get at least one thing from all of the categories. I will get a kit-kat for the chocolate craving, some jellybeans or twizzlers for the sugar but I also need salt - potato chips or pringles. But I cannot just go up to the cash register with those things so I also get some eggs and milk and a few bananas! So if you ever see me at Giant at 11 pm with twizzlers, chips, eggs and bananas; you know why I am really there!

A few weeks ago, I was working late on a Saturday Night so I went to Harris Teeter. I got my twizzlers and chocolate bar and went to the Pringles section (I have a weak spot for pringles!). I looked down and I was so excited to see there was a new flavor of pringles - “cheeseburger pringles.” It even had an OU (kosher symbol) on it. I have always wanted to taste a cheeseburger and here was my chance! But it just didn’t feel right. So I turned to my right... I then turned to my left…I just wanted to make sure that nobody from shul was there! Then I quickly grabbed the cheeseburger pringles stuffed them under the eggs and bananas and went to the register. I got home and within 22 minutes, I finished all of the pringles (and most of the twizzlers!). The next morning, I went on a long bike ride and I felt each every pringle every time I climbed up a hill! (I am not even going to talk about the time that I had a huge bowl of leftover cholent one Saturday night at 12:30 am just a few hours before I went on a 100 mile bike ride! Cholent and biking don’t go well together.)

Anyways, as I was climbing up those hills feeling the cheeseburger pringles, I had a question. Why is it that we do things and when we are doing them, we don’t think about the consequences. I don’t just mean eating pringles before a bike ride. How often do we make decisions and take actions that will have huge ramifications for us and for our families for 5, 10 and 20 years down the road without thinking about those ramifications, or at least without fully appreciating the ramifications.

There is a wonderful mishna in Pirkei Avot (Ethics of the Fathers) in which Rabbi Yochanan ben Zakai was sitting around with his 5 disciples. He asks them to find out (צאו וראו) what is the best path for one to cling to? I presume the disciples went out into the world. They observed people. They talked to people. They asked them what has worked for you? What do you regret? They then came back with 5 different answers. One rabbi said, “one should be generous,” another said “be a good friend,” a third said “be a good neighbor” a fourth said, “Have a good heart.” But I want to focus on what Rabbi Shimon said. He said that one should “See the future.” (הרואה את הנולד). But this invites a question. How can we see the future? Is Rabbi Shimon demanding that we be prophets, soothsayers, diviners or astrologers?

The answer is that Rabbi Shimon is saying that when we act and make decisions today, we must see the future. We must ask ourselves a very important question. How will my action today impact me and my family in 5, 10, 20 years or maybe even after I am no longer even living? How many of us ask that question.

 At the end of the Ashamnu (We have sinned) paragraph, after we go through the alphabet of sins, we have two more letter Tuf.

תעינו - “We have gone astray. We have gone off the path.”

Does this happen to us? We all know from hiking that if we get off the path even 2 or 3 degrees and we keep walking, where will be in an hour? Completely Lost. Have we gone off the path even a few degrees? Have we made compromises on shabbat, kashruth, tzedaka, honesty or any other value? I am sure we were hoping to jump back on but then we look back 5, 10, 20 years later and we ask ourselves, “How did we get here?”

But then there is one more term and this is the one that scares me.  

 -תעיתנו - “We have caused others to go off the path.” When we go off the path even just a few degrees, it is not only impacting us. It impacts our children, grandchildren and future generations that don’t even exist yet. We are just one ring in a long chain of jewish history. We received the gift of Judaism from our parents and we have an obligation to pass it on to the next generation at least as strong but hopefully even stronger.

Sometime ago, I was talking to someone whose children are already grown. He told me that he has deep regrets for decisions that he made and actions that he took when his children were younger. Regret is so hard. So painful. Those of you who are young, please listen to Rabbi Shimon. “See the future.” When you make decisions or compromises ask yourselves, “how will this impact me or my family in 10 or 20 years.” Act now in a way that you won't have so many regrets later.

Maybe some of you already have grown families. Maybe you have regrets. Don’t worry. Everyone in this room has regrets. Regret by itself is not bad. It depends what you do with it. If it paralyzes you, it is negative. But regret is also part of the teshuva process. You can take the pain that you feel and use to inspire action. This is the gift of Yom Kippur. You can now ask yourself how my new actions today will impact grown children, grandchildren and how they will even have an impact when I am no longer here.

I would like to conclude with a story and an insight that I heard from Rabbi Yosef Blau. Usually I tell Chassidic stories. But stories from the Bible are also good! We all know the story of Joseph. His brothers sold him into slavery down to Egypt. He was bought by Potiphar. Potiphar came to trust him with everything, even his wife. One day, Joseph was alone with Potiphar’s wife. She tries to seduce him. It is such a difficult test. The rabbis understand this test to not only be a sexual temptation but it is one of those Jewish make it or break it moments. if Joseph succumbs, he is effectively giving up the Jewish values of his mother and father in favor of assimilating into Egypt.

Does he pass the test. We know he does. The Torah says וימאן (and he refused). He runs away. But those of you who know Torah cantillation know that the musical note on top of the the word “and he refused” is a shalshelet. The shalshelet tells us that he waivered. “Should I stay or should I go, should I stay or should I go.” In other words, he almost succumbed.

The rabbis want to know, what gave Joseph the strength and resolve to withstand the test?

The rabbis' answer is so profound. They say that at the last minute ראה דיוקנו של אביו (He saw the image of his father, Jacob). He saw his father and he remembered. He remembered who he was and what he should be. And he ran away from the sin.

I have a very difficult question for all of us for this Yom Kippur. I want us to think about it throughout Yom Kippur and throughout the year.

If our children (no, when our children) or grandchildren or other people that we have influence on, are faced with one of those make it or break it moments. (And we know that when they face it we will not be there with them). At the last moment, will an image of you pop into their minds? And if it does, will it give them the strength and resolve to withstand the test?

Only you can answer that question and if you are not sure, this is what Yom Kippur is about. Let us resolve to become that person. Let us always ask how our decisions, actions, and compromises impact us and our families for years to come. Let us all become “seers of the future.”  G’mar Chatimah Tovah!

Rosh Hashana Sermon - 5776 - Does Judaism Bore you?

One of the great things about having young children, is that they say the cutest things! In fact, many of my sermon intros come from my kids. I don’t know how I will write sermons after they grow up! I also don’t know what use I will have for them!

Anyways, the other day, my four year old Reuven had just come back from a jam packed morning at a friends birthday party (You know there are no more Sundays, just birthday party day!). He gets home and we are getting ready, in about 8 minutes, to go swimming. But in between the party and the swimming, as we are getting ready, he starts pulling my leg. I said, “Reuven, what you want? He said, “Daddy, “I am so bored.” He is not just plain bored. He is so bored in just 8 minutes!

As a parent, this is hard to hear. We have a trampoline outside, we just bought a brand new swingset, the kids have their bikes, games, scooters and a basement full of arts and crafts and yet in 8 minutes between a party and going to the pool, my 4 year is so bored!

I would like to turn this question on the adults in this room. “Are you bored? I don't mean right now (although I am sure many of your are!), I mean, as a Jew, are you bored? Does your judaism bore you? Do you suffer from what Dr. Erica Brown calls “Spiritual Boredom?”

The question can be expanded to other areas of life as well. Does your job bore you? How about your friends? How about your spouse?  I am going to focus on the spiritual boredom question but you can apply everything we say to other kinds of boredom.

Let me articulate the challenge the way Dr. Erica Brown does. You see there is one thing about Judaism which is its greatest strength and at the same time its greatest weakness. It is called Ritual. Rituals are things that we do exactly the same way over and over again at set intervals in our calendar. The wonderful thing about ritual is that it gives us an anchor, stability, and a connection with our past in a world that is so chaotic, unpredictable and uncontrollable. This is its strength. Its weakness is that it is the same old, same old every time. It gets boring very quickly. Every week we have the same shabbat. Everyday the same blessings. Every time, I want to eat bread, I do the same washing of the hands, the same Hamotzie and the same exact Birkhat Hamazon that I have been doing since I was three! Can’t the rabbis come up with any new ideas!

This problem is most acute with prayer.

If you go to shabbat service every week for a year, the prayers will be almost exactly the same every week 52 times in a row. Could you imagine if you had a subscription series to the local theater and every Saturday night you went to watch a play but it was the same play every time… in a language you don't even understand! You would go crazy from boredom. Many people wonder why so many people don't come to shul. I am actually surprised that so many of you come!

So herein lies the challenge. How can we embrace our lives of ritual which ground us, give us strength order and stability without that same ritual boring the heck out of us! I think this is the challenge of the 21st century and it is the reason we are losing so many jews.

I would like to begin answering the question by looking at one of the heroes of Rosh Hashana, Chana. We all know the story. Chana was married to this guy named Elkana. Chana had what the Mormon’s call a sister wife, Penina. However, in Judaism, a sister-wife is called a Tzara (or a pain in the ?!?!). So if Chana wanted to introduce Penina to someone, she would say “I would like to introduce you to my “Pain!”

Anyways, Penina has many children and Chana has none. To make matters worse, Penina actually taunts Chana and makes fun of her infertility. Chana’s husband is of no help. He probably says the stupidest things that any husband has said to his wife (and many men have said very stupid things to their wives!). He tried to comfort Chana by saying, “Am I not better than 10 kids.” Chana is so upset she runs to the Sanctuary and begins to pray. Now here is where I need your help. As Chana begins to pray, tell me what kinds of emotions do you think she is feeling. Just name them.

“Despair, Anger, Frustration, Jealousy…”

I want to add one more. “Guilt.” How do I know this? I know this from you, my congregants. Almost every time I am meeting with someone who is struggling with something whether is is health, livelihood, or trouble with children. The sufferer always thinks that they committed some sin to deserve it. After so many Rosh Hashanas that Chanah was not answered I am sure she was feeling guilt as well.

Anyways Chanah comes to the Sanctuary with all of these emotions and she begins praying. And when you pray with those emotions what does it look like from the outside? What does Eli (the High Priest) think about Chana? He thinks that she is drunk.

Chana says, “I had nothing to drink….But I am pouring out my soul to G-d.” In hebrew this is called Hishtapchut Hanefesh. This means that you take all of your emotions; anger, hatred, jealousy, despair, anxiety, gratitude, joy, hope; and you bring them into your prayer. You pour the emotions into the words of the Prayer. Prayer is called  עבודה שבלב (“service of the heart”). If we go through an entire prayer service, if we spend 4 hours praying in shul on Rosh Hashana and our hearts are not stirred even once, then we have not prayed. Just making hebrew words come out of your mouth is not prayer.

And I promise that if you pray as Chana prayed (with all of your emotions) then prayer will never be boring. Because even if the words are the same every time, something is always different. You are always different. You are always going through different things and therefore in a different emotional state and the prayer is always new and very relevant.

This leads me to my next point. The next tool to prevent boredom. It is called Kavvanah. Most people think that Kavvana means that I close my eyes and shuckel (the faster the better!). I am a shuckeler but this is not Kavvanah. Maimonides teaches us that Kavvanah comes before prayer.

צריך לישב מעט קודם תפילה כדי לכוין את לבו

Kavvanh comes from the word “Kivun” which means direction or focus or goal. Before we daven (or before we do anything) we ask ourselves “what is our goal for the next 20 minutes? What I am trying to accomplish. Just asking that question will transform davening (and the sukkah and the seder and Birkhat Hamazon etc etc). This is not only true about religion. If before I come home after a long day of work I should ask myself, what is my goal with my family? What is my goal with my spouse? This will transform everything. This will keep it fresh, relevant and never boring.

One more point and then we will get to the story! This is the most important. We always say that Prayer is a conversation. It is a conversation between me and G-d. But there is a major problem with this. Whenever there is a relationship and one person seems to be doing all of the talking and the other maybe says “yeah, uhuh” it is not really a good conversation (just ask my wife about that!).

So Davening is a conversation. We bring everything (all of our emotions) to G-d. We tell G-d about our hard day, our troubles, our hopes and our dreams. And what do we get back? Nothing. No response. It doesn’t feel so good. Maybe that is why many are turned away from Prayer.

I would like to offer something that I believe in the deepest place of my soul. I say what I am about to say as someone who does not experience the supernatural in my life. I believe that G-d talks to me each and every day. When does G-d talk to me? Every time, I hear the Torah read, it is the word of G-d and I believe that there is a message in it for me to address something that I am struggling with at that moment. The message usually is not clear. I have to dig and turn it over again and again. But then it is there. A message from G-d. You don’t have to hear the Torah reading in shul to experience this (although I believe there is a special power in that experience). You can just pull a chumash (bible) off the shelf and read the parsha of the week (or any section) and it is the word of G-d. You pray and bring all of yourself (all of your emotions) and talk to G-d and then you study Torah and G-d talks back.

I recently officiated at a funeral for an amazing woman named Amy Kass. She was a professor at University of Chicago for many years. I asked her husband, Leon, “tell me something that you admire about Amy.” He told me that every time Amy read a book or a poem or even a book review, she read it as if it contained information or an idea that would transform her life. Wow!

Question: Do we read Torah like that? Do we listen to the Torah reading on a random shabbat with the belief that it might change us, that it might elevate us, that it might have that bit of wisdom that we are in desperate need of at that moment?

Prayer is a conversation. We bring ourselves (everything we have) to the prayer. We then study and G-d talks back. How can prayer be boring when G-d is talking back!

Now the story. When I read this story, it pierced my heart. David Tzeitelbach was just 13 years old in 1942 when the Nazis invaded his Polish town. A Ghetto was set up. Shortly after, the Ghetto was liquidated. David happened to escape but his Mother, Father and older sister were taken never to be heard from again. David had one thing going for him. He had blond hair and blue eyes. Nobody suspected that he was Jewish. He found a farmer who hired him to be a farm hand. He missed his family so much but at least he was alive. Spring turned to summer and summer turned to early Fall. The days started getting shorter and it was getting to be a bit chilly in the morning. He knew that it was Rosh Hashana anyday. On the day that he thought it was Rosh Hashana, he was so sad. He remembered with fondness going to shul with his parents and sister and sitting next to his father and praying the Rosh Hashana davening. He thinks, “If only I would be a little older, I would probably be able to remember some of the prayers but now I know none of them.” The farmer interrupted David’s memories. He asked him to go into town to pick up some goods at the grocery store. David got on the horse to go into town. He arrived at the store. He pulled out the shopping list. He asked the grocer for 1 lb. of salt, one lb. of sugar and a half lb. of flour. And then he saw the grocer go over to a pile of books thrown on the floor. They had hebrew on them. They looked like Chumashim (bibles). Then to David’s horror, the grocer callously ripped a page out, rolled into a cone-shape and put the salt in there. He did the same for the flour and sugar. There must have been a paper shortage during the war and the grocer was using abandoned chumashim that were left behind by the jews who had been sent away.

David was in so much pain. Not only was he riding on a horse on Rosh Hashana, he was causing the grocer to rip out pages from a chumash. He takes the items and cries all of the way home. When he gets back he goes to the pantry and starts emptying out the salt. He brushes away the last particles. He then unfolds the paper to see what it says and behold it is not a chumash or a siddur. He starts reading:

ונתנה תקף קדושת היום (Let us now relate the power of the day)

It is a Rosh Hashana Machzor (prayerbook) and David is reading the most powerful song of the day. He can feel his father right next to him as he remembers davening with him in shul. He continues to read:

ובשופר גדול יתקע וקול דממה דקה ישמע

“The great shofar will be sounded but a soft voice will be heard.” He remembers his mother’s sweet soft voice as she tucked him in and said the bedtime shema.

But then he goes on:

מי יחיה ומי ימות - "Who will live and who will die"

מי בקצו ומי לא בקצו - "who at his time and who before his time"

מי במים ומי באש מי בחרב...מי ברעב ומי בצמא - "Who by water, who by fire, who by sword, who hunger and who by thirst"

And David starts crying thinking about his Mother, father and sister and himself.

But then he reads the powerful conclusion:

ותשובה, ותפילה וצדקה מעבירין את רע הגזרה

“But repentance, prayer and charity remove the evil of the decree”

These are the values that his parents taught him. He has to be thoughtful, he has to pray and he has to be kind as possible and then no matter how ugly the world around you is, you can begin to repair the world. You can do your part.

David is now in his eighties and he still gets so much out of the Rosh Hashana prayers.

So if we want to live an inspired life, If we want our prayers to be fresh, relevant and new (even as they are the same exact words) all we have to do is have Kavvanh (state our goals before we begin), bring our entire emotional selves to the prayer just like 13 year old David and Chanah, and we then have to turn it into a conversation by listening for the return message when we study Torah.

If we do this. If we bring our whole self into our prayers. If we open up our hearts, May G-d open up all of the gates of Heaven. May G-d shower us on this new year with a year of health, safety and security, and most importantly a year when our deepest prayers our answered.

Shanah Tova!