Why did our Matriarchs suffer with Infertility?
Why did our Matriarchs and Patriarchs suffer with infertility? This question is particularly pressing because Avraham and Sarah were promised children like the stars of the heaven and the sand of the sea. I imagine, Avraham and Sarah praying to G-d, “forget about the stars of the Heaven, please just give me one child.”
This question has been on my mind this week because of two things that happened to me. First, I had a wonderful meeting with Amy Forseter and Caryn Malkus from the The Red Stone, the only organization in the DC area that focuses on supporting Jewish women and couples struggling with infertility. I am so grateful that they came to meet with me. I learned that about one of every 6 couples struggles with infertility. I learned about their feelings of isolation, frustration, and shame particularly in our Orthodox community which is so focused on children and parenting. I discovered that the average couple who struggles with infertility spends over $100,000 on treatments. Think about the financial stress that this would cause. In addition to being a resource for me, Amy and Caryn are available to help out and offer support services to anyone is our shul or anyone you might know who is struggling with infertility.
The second thing that happened this week was that I listened to a very powerful lecture by Rabbi Aaron Levitt describing the years-long struggle that his wife Elisheva and he had with infertility.
Shortly after having their first child (Shira), Elisheva became pregnant with the second. Elisheva's blood is RH negative and Rabbi Aaron's is RH positive but this is usually solved by taking a rather routine Rhogam shot. The pregnancy was going well until the 31st week when complications arose. Elisheva went to the hospital and the baby did not survive. At 31 weeks, the dead baby must go through a full delivery. Imagine the pain of that delivery.
Elisheva and Rabbi Aaron did not give up. Elisheva got pregnant again and this time she was closely monitored from day 1. Unfortunately after 16 weeks, this baby did not survive either.
At this point, Elisheva and Rabbi Aaron were told not to try again. Over the next few years, they explored other options (surrogacy and adoption) but nothing materialized. Finally, they were informed that there was a new technology where the fetus could be given blood transfusions in utero. Elisheva got pregnant for a third time. Things went well at first, but then towards the end of the pregnancy, complications arose and a third child did not survive.
Oy. Feel the pain of this couple. Hopes shattered. Dreams never realized. All of this while seeing all of their friends celebrate bris after bris. So many tears.
As I listened to Rabbi Aaron and Elisheva’s story and as I reflected on my meeting with Amy and Caryn from The Red Stone, I kept going back to the question, why did our Patriarchs and Matriarchs suffer so much from infertility and what is this supposed to teach us?
I was immediately drawn to two lessons from our Parshah (Toldot). The Torah tells us that Rivka was an Akarah (Barren). Now when Biblical women are infertile, how do their Biblical husbands react? What do they do to solve the problem? That is right. They usually take a Biblical concubine. This is what Avraham does. This is what Yaakov does. Chana’s husband Elkana has a second wife, Penina.
But what does Yitzchak (Rivka’s husband) do?
The verse tells us:
ויעתר יצחק לד' לנוכח אשתו
Yitzchak prays to Hashem for (and together) with his wife.
Yitzchak does not leave. He doesn't find another wife. He is drawn closer to her.
There is a beautiful midrash that illustrates this.
מלמד שהיה יצחק שטוח כאן והיא שטוחה כאן ואומר רבש"ע כל בנים שאתה נותן לי יהיו מן הצדקת הזו אף היא אמרה כן כל בנים שאת עתיד ליתן לי יהיו מן הצדיק הזה.
Yitzchak bowed on one side and Rivka bowed on the other. Yitzchak said, “Master of the Universe, any child that you give me should be from this righteous woman. Rivka said, “any child that you give me should only be from this righteous man.”
Many couples who are struggling with infertility drift apart. The pain is so great. The stress on the marriage (financial and emotional) is so high. Yitzchak and Rivka are a model of the opposite. They come together in an ever deeper way than before.
In addition to the couples drifting apart, there is often a distancing of friends and family. People don’t know what to say. We have a hard enough time going to a shiva visit. How much more difficult is it to be with someone when they just had their third miscarriage.
Rabbi Aaron said that as painful as it was to hear inappropriate comments from friends (and there were many of them including “at least you don’t have to deal with the midnight feeding”), it was ever more painful when friends disappeared. Nobody knows what to say but sometimes the best thing is to just be there. Rabbi Aaron shared that after the third miscarriage which was on a Friday, he went to shul the next morning. He showed up late and left early because he didn’t really want to talk to anyone. In the middle of davening, a number of his friends came up to him. They didn’t say a word they just gave him a big hug for 30 seconds. The hug said it all. “We have no idea what to say. We have no idea how we can help. But we are here for you.” This was the very comforting for Rabbi Aaron.
This is lesson #1 that we learn from Yitzchak and Rivka. Yitzchak and Rivka, at a time of great stress, actually come closer together. When people are struggling with infertility and so many other Tzarus (difficulties) in life, we cannot disappear. Even if we don’t know what to say or how to help, we have to just be there for them.
The second lesson comes the Talmud (Yevamos 64a). The Talmud asks our question: Why were the Matriarchs and Patriarchs barren? The answer is:
מפני שהקב"ה מתאווה לתפילתן של צדיקים
Because G-d craves the prayers of the righteous.
Rabbi Levitt and Elisheva shared that this rabbinic teaching was at first very painful for them. Would G-d cause them to suffer so much just because He wants their prayers?
But then over time they came to interpret the passage not as a theological explanation for why they were suffering. But rather is an invitation from G-d to use prayer as a strategy, as a source of comfort and even hope. They said that ultimately, prayer and especially the reading of Tehillim (Psalms) gave them great comfort and hope.
One Psalm in particular was the Shir Hama’alot (Psalm 126) that we sing before Birkhat Hamazon. There is one line that I never read in this way but I will now never be able to read another way. The Psalm refers to people who are:
הזורעים בדמעה, ברנה יקצרו
Those who plant with tears, will eventually harvest with Rinah - or joyous song.
This line so comforted them. On the one hand, it acknowledged their pain and tears and all of their struggles. It made them feel heard. And then it also offered them hope. It told them that even if they might need to alter their expectations, but that their dreams would be fulfilled. Eventually, in some way, they would be able to ברנה יקצרו - produce fruit, in joy and song and Rinah.
This I think is the second lesson that we can learn from the Matriarchs and Patriarchs and their infertility. Some of us are struggling with infertility, some of us with sickness, some of us with making a living. But all of us are currently or at some point will be struggling with something. This is the human condition. And when this happens, we have tefilah and tehillim as a strategy, as an anchor. G-d invites us to use our prayers as a source of comfort and even hope.
So what is the postscript to the story with Rabbi Aaron and Elisheva? They eventually found a surrogate to carry their baby. She got pregnant and after 9 months, she gave birth. To twins! A boy and a girl. They named the boy Simcha because he brought them so much happiness. And they named the girl….that is right...you guessed it….Rinah - Joyous song. They didn’t expect their family to come in this way. There was much planting with tears. Many altered expectations. But at the end, they had Shira, Simcha and Rinah.
May Hashem bless all of us with the lessons of this Parshah. May Hashem give us the strength to be with our friends and family when they are struggling. And May Hashem bless us all that even if along the way we have many tears, at the end, May Hashem bless us ברנה יקצרו - to reap with Joyous song.
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